I Am....Conscious

 I Am....Conscious

 

   This is a tough one. Like the layers of an onion, every thought on this exposes another truth or lie. Like a crack in a windshield, you just know that this is just the beginning of of something that will have to be repaired no matter what you do before your vision becomes impaired and your path forward unsafe. This one has me wringing my hands together wondering how to start. The first thoughts of course are always sunshine and roses, then you start to see all the fertilized needed to live that life. How deep do I really want to look? I guess I will see where this goes. So here I go.....

adjective: conscious

aware of and responding to one's surroundings; awake

   Am I actually conscious, or do I think I am, unaware that I am actually not. Is my consciousness superficial or do I actually act upon the needs of my surroundings. 

   I must honestly and painfully say that I am superficial in many aspects of my consciousness. I have many plans, thoughts, ideas, feelings, that I know will improve both myself and the world around me, but they never get out of the starting gate, doomed to wither and die in the procrastination folder. Why? That is a hard question, why?

   Thinking about this actually gets me angry at myself. I know by comparing myself to others who are hyper-conscious (https://plumvillage.org/about/thich-nhat-hanh/), I am damaging my "self/ego", that is not how I will achieve a higher state of consciousness. I need to use this guidance as a template to help me achieve a truer me. I can not compare myself to someone who has dedicated their life to consciousness when I am only starting to think about it. Finding my flaws is tough, first I must admit I have them (ouch). Then I must face them, then actively and purposely act to change them. 

   So I guess my first step to consciousness is this blog, admitting that I need to poke my "consciousness" with a stick and see what pokes back. 

   This was a very difficult blog and I think I have only scratched the surface on this, This actually took me two weeks to write, erasing line after line, typing thought after thought only to realize that that was not true or it wasn't what I meant.

   Thank you for indulging me by reading this.