I Am....Disciplined

I Am....Disciplined 

   I must admit, this one is more not than am. To me, discipline it the absence of excuse, the conviction of effort, the perfection of purpose. I will admit that I do not embody these ideals. To say that I am disciplined would mean I am not only lying to you but to myself. So here is a list of some of my lack of disciplines...

-My diet. This is the first one that I think of automatically. It is so easy to talk about but so monumentally hard for me to implement. I try to eat healthy, I want to eat healthy, I need to eat healthy, but I don't. I want to lose weight, I want to be "healthier", I want to be more empathetic with my food choices, but I never seem to succeed at this. Excuses, laziness, urges and ingrained eating patterns all work against me, and that is 100% on me. Ouch. 

-My effort to what is necessary to succeed. My mental and physical health, my job, my "projects" around the house, my personal life, all "good enough". This is forcing me to be mediocre. I never seem to be able to take things to the next level of awareness. I always seem to lack the discipline of mastery, taking the easy way instead of the hard way. Again, all on me.

 

Okay, enough of this negativity for now, it is bumming me out. Positivity time. 

I am disciplined at the following...

-I am disciplined at involving myself in my Wife and Son's life. I ask questions, I listen, I plan, and I love wholeheartedly.

-I am disciplined at writing my blogs. These are monumentally important to me. I have never had a platform for myself to express my inner me like this. These blogs have allowed my not only trace my journey through Kung Fu but through life. I have had deep conversations with this keyboard that I have never had with anyone else (sadly). Not writing a blog would be suffocating, and I didn't realize that till just now. Where else would I discuss something like discipline or lack of?

-I am disciplined at my desire to be a Martial Artist. In my opinion, only by striving to be a Martial Artist do I have any hope of becoming more disciplined where I lack it. The training, attending classes both mandatory and optional, the involvement in every event, the participation in the IHC every year, even the willingness to mop the floors and cut the grass, it all helps me with my journey towards discipline. The more I am involved in my Kung Fu, the more discipline becomes a way of my life. And this is a corner stone in my journey.

   Just like my wife, son and my blogging, my Kung Fu helps to define me. It graciously shows me that discipline is good. It is necessary, it is a tool to build a better me. 

So after this discussion with my keyboard, I have decided that  I am disciplined, where it counts (to me).

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What is Mine?

    Intent is a funny thing. It can be obvious or subtle, external or internal, intended or reactionary. It can and will differ from one person to another. And changing your intent to experiment with both your flow and insight can be inspiring. 

   This all stems from a question I asked at our 2nd degree Saturday morning class. The answer I got inspired me to vary the intent of my "eyes" on a particular move in Lao Gar. I took this idea to open training and applied it to see what would happen (thank you Sidai Bjorkquist for helping me). Well crap, it was like I got jolted into a new way of seeing things. And so now I am going to look at my intent with different eyes, so to speak. 

   This is just another lesson for me about ego. What I thought was correct was only that way because it was serving my own personal idea of something. My intent in this move was serving my idea of what I wanted this technique to be, and that directly affected my next series of moves, making things "chunky". Just a minor adjustment of where I am looking has smoothed this move out, allowing me to feel the move instead of see the move. Cool. I get it now, I hope. But where else do I need to do this, only time and practice will tell, as well as guidance from those with truer understanding of the art of Kung Fu.

The Good With the Bad

       The Dragon's head. The lead position. Either success or failure of a dance starts with the head. What happens with the rest of the dragon's segments during the dance is mostly out of my control, but if I don't nail my moves, that can ripple all the way down the dragon, destroying the magic of the dance. Sure my teammates might be able to pick up my slack and correct my mistakes but that's not the point. My mistakes might make or break the dance. Confidence and competence on my part, working hand in hand together, must be forefront in my mind. 

   Learning the moves, then piecing together a coherent sequence into a showpiece to wow the crowd, then kicking it up a notch to wow ourselves, this mountain is new to me. I have done a dragon dance before, but not as the lead. Being able to follow a move coming your way is totally different than being the one to initiate the move. Being responsible for the "life" of the dragon is a part of me I have yet to really explore. I know that ultimately only I can control what I do, but my actions will directly affect each member of the team. 

   So I guess I better get my game face on and pull up my socks, learn the moves, practice the moves, and bring this dragon to life. 

ps. 

There are many many symbols depicting "dragon" in Chinese writing, this one specks to me the most. 

Levels of Awareness

    One Degree to the right. Maybe three. A corrective lens for my eye for detail. Some me time. Questions I didn't know I had. Open Training. My wonderful wife. Tie them all together and I have a new tool in my toolbox. 

   Yesterday I went into open training with a sole purpose, Lao Gar. Twenty minutes of nothing but me and this form. No distractions, no stopping, just go.Then I spent some time analyzing that twenty minutes. I felt good. I managed five solid reps, one of them even actually ended up exactly on my starting point (first time ever!!). All was sunshine and roses. I was sweaty, I was tired, I felt good. 

   Then my wife showed up and we proceeded to critique each other's form, as only a married couple can. The freedom to be able to comment without worry of "hurting" someone's feelings is liberating. This goes both ways, me to her, her to me. No ego, just an understanding of implied trust, only the truth. And I obviously needed that because she pointed out quite a few things I am doing that I thought were right but most likely are not. 

   And that generated questions, golden glorious questions. Some I can research in our live stream videos, but some will need hands on instructor advice.

   So thank you wife, seriously, I need this. Thank you to open training time, to be able to work on me exclusively is priceless and greatly needed.

I Am....Conscious

 I Am....Conscious

 

   This is a tough one. Like the layers of an onion, every thought on this exposes another truth or lie. Like a crack in a windshield, you just know that this is just the beginning of of something that will have to be repaired no matter what you do before your vision becomes impaired and your path forward unsafe. This one has me wringing my hands together wondering how to start. The first thoughts of course are always sunshine and roses, then you start to see all the fertilized needed to live that life. How deep do I really want to look? I guess I will see where this goes. So here I go.....

adjective: conscious

aware of and responding to one's surroundings; awake

   Am I actually conscious, or do I think I am, unaware that I am actually not. Is my consciousness superficial or do I actually act upon the needs of my surroundings. 

   I must honestly and painfully say that I am superficial in many aspects of my consciousness. I have many plans, thoughts, ideas, feelings, that I know will improve both myself and the world around me, but they never get out of the starting gate, doomed to wither and die in the procrastination folder. Why? That is a hard question, why?

   Thinking about this actually gets me angry at myself. I know by comparing myself to others who are hyper-conscious (https://plumvillage.org/about/thich-nhat-hanh/), I am damaging my "self/ego", that is not how I will achieve a higher state of consciousness. I need to use this guidance as a template to help me achieve a truer me. I can not compare myself to someone who has dedicated their life to consciousness when I am only starting to think about it. Finding my flaws is tough, first I must admit I have them (ouch). Then I must face them, then actively and purposely act to change them. 

   So I guess my first step to consciousness is this blog, admitting that I need to poke my "consciousness" with a stick and see what pokes back. 

   This was a very difficult blog and I think I have only scratched the surface on this, This actually took me two weeks to write, erasing line after line, typing thought after thought only to realize that that was not true or it wasn't what I meant.

   Thank you for indulging me by reading this.

Other Peoples Thoughts and Energy

    Questions. Mindful training should generate questions. Or so I've heard. Our Saturday morning classes constantly amaze me because of the quality of questions being asked. This years winner is Todai Burke, last year it was Sihing Kohut. These two seem to find questions that I would never have dreamed were actually questions. Sometimes it is a simple question, sometimes incredibly deep. And the look on Sifu Brinker's face says it all, he lights up like a Christmas tree when a simple question is actually another layer of the Kung Fu onion just waiting to be peeled back. 

   Somehow I need to find a way to generate the questions I didn't know I had. Whether it is a simple question about foot placement or a deep soul scratch-er that my require some follow up, the questions are there, I just need to find a way to ask them. 

   Push hands. Wednesday's class we partnered up and did some push hands techniques. I partnered with Todai Bauer. I am very glad I did. I have always approached this technique from a strength point of view, "I am bigger and stronger so I win". Wednesday I was forced to approach it from the proper way to do this. As I tried to "impose" my strength on Todai Bauer, he matched my strength and then threw it to the curb like a dirty sock. I quickly realized that I was not going to out muscle him, no chance no way no how, so I closed my eyes and let him lead me, imposing his will on me, and it opened up a whole new avenue of sensations. I started to feel his movements almost before they were happening, I was able to react quicker and smoother (or so I think). It gave me chills, was this Chi?! I really hope so. 

   So I am sorry to say my family, but we will be experimenting with this at home, I need to feel more of this wonderful sensation.