Why did I do that

       Explaining my intent. So I was working on my forms yesterday and a few follow Kung Fuers asked me why I did a move a certain way. So I explained my motive, my intent, my reason, whatever you would like to call it. As I was saying it out loud, it started to sound an awful lot like an excuse and not an intent. Well crud, my one step forward and two steps back just turned into one step forward, turn and run in the other direction. Now I am questioning all my intents.

   I understand (I think) the reason for intent, but, for me, it really seems to be fluid, never the same intent twice between two reps of the same form. Even slowing a form right down still produces different results each time. Maybe it is a focus thing, maybe I am just so incredibly complex (insert haha yah right here), I don't know. It always amazes me how many layers this Kung Fu onion has, I am starting to think there is no center to it, just layer after delicious layer. And speaking of center..... that is for another blog.....

I am...Courteous

 I am....Courteous. 

   I say my please and thank yous. I respect other people even when I don't agree with them. I know I am responsible for my actions so I try to make sure that my actions reflect who I want to be. I try my best to treat others kindly and fair. 

   But am I courteous enough? Upon reflection, no. The I Am project has really made me look inward at myself, and I am deeply feeling it's value. By helping me compare what I think I am to what my actual reality is has been eye opening. Just the opening paragraph caused me to reflect upon the past week and see if what I wrote was true. It made me realize that there where probably a quite a few times when I was much less courteous than I should have been. 

   I Am is also directing me in ways to better myself. It makes me more aware of the conflicts I never realized I was having with myself, and that is great. I can't better myself if I think it is unnecessary. I must also be courteous to myself sometimes, acknowledging accomplishments I have made and accepting my grace in my many failures. Have you ever thanked yourself for doing something you know is good and courteous? Try it, it feels good to feel good.

   So I will start being more courteous to everyone, including myself.

Spaghetti Legs

    So many ideas rolling around, so many things happening. Open train is back, yah! Helping out in the other classes, fun stuff! Beta weapon form due March 28th, yikes and yah!! My morning schedule is back on track, finally! My numbers for IHC are where they need to be, I have no nagging injuries, my head is pretty clear on what I need to accomplish in the next while, family is healthy, spring is here. Really, short of winning a lottery, all is as good as can be expected. 

   But is my foot placement where it needs to be to support all this. What? Sorry, the opening paragraph sidetracked my thought to stances. Obviously my sub-conscious disagreed with my "all is good' attitude. And it is right. I am becoming obsessed with my foot placement. Frustrated is more apt a word. To wide, to shallow, to open, to closed, to deep, constant conflict.

   After filming myself do all the forms I know, I was (and still am) an unhappy camper. What the "film" showed and what I thought I was doing couldn't have been any farther apart, holy eye opener Batman. So I am starting with my stances, yes starting is the key word. By fixing the commitment to my stances, hopefully many other glaringly problems will start to self correct. Flexibility and stiff joints aside, I need to stop making excuses (like flexibility and stiff joints), and just do it. Slow my form down, get the stances right, this is my current mission. 

  So if you see me doing a form and my stances suck, feel free to tell me, I need to be made aware of this cause I can't fix it is I don't think it is broke.

I am....Open Minded

    I am open minded. 

   Opinions, ideas, foods, religions, music, martial arts etc. We all have our "favorite", we all believe ours is the best. But so few people are willing to ask themselves why. I constantly do. While I am dead set on many things, like a resounding NO to mushrooms, I am also willing to explore other venues, like trying Ashtanga yoga for the first time. So I get where vegans are coming from but no thanks, it's not for me. I can see why some alpha style individuals love the MMA, but I personally can not and will not watch people willingly doing that to each other. I try to listen to all sides of a political debate, but it is hard to stomach what politics has become, dysfunctional name calling rhetoric. I like Chevy, you may like Honda, I like Metallica, you may like rap, I believe in traditional family values, you may be more nontraditional, I love my dog, you may love your pot bellied pig. It's all good. But....

   My willingness to be open minded can quickly slam shut when someone tries to force their opinions or values on me. If I am willing to accept you for who you are or who you want to be, I expect the same courtesy to be coming my way. If my mind is to remain open, I need to believe that I am safe to do so without judgement or condemnation. I am a peaceful loving person, and I am always willing to put myself out there for others, because I believe that the more you give, the more you get. But at the same time, I must be aware and careful not to force myself on others, only give what is needed and not be a megalomaniac like some people can be. 

   So always feel free to share yourself openly with me, I will listen, and if you want, have an open an honest conversation with you. I may not like your opinion or you may not like mine, but to live peacefully in this world, we must co-exist, we must be tolerant of others and we must be open minded.

Open Training

    The things you learn, Sometimes out of the blue, wham, a lesson flies in and slaps you in the ego. This happened at open training yesterday. Ahh open training, the keeper of unexpected treasures. Boy am I glad I was there cause this opportunity was possibly game changing for me. 

   It was so simple, a fellow student (I must admit I don't know her name - my bad) showed up for her first ever open training. She stood at the back of the hall, no idea what open training was all about, lost. Well not on my watch, no sir! I b-lined it to her, brought her in and the rest is pure magic. She asked all sorts of question, about the hall, about the alter, and about Lao Gar. 

   Lao Gar. My forms. I have lost my confidence in my forms. I know the forms but I also know that my forms need a ton of work. This is hard to admit but I am actually embarrassed to do my forms in front of people now. Just thinking about it raises my anxiety to near critical. But she asked me about Lao Gar and I wasn't about to walk away from a fellow student in need. 

   All she new about Lao Gar she learned on the Livesteam classes we have. Hard way to learn a form like that so I got her to show me what she knew. She knew some of the basics, so I had something to work with. We proceeded to break the form down step by step till we got to the end of  #1. By the end of open training she was doing most of Lao Gar 1 by herself (insert high five here!). 

   Then she asked me something that immediately sent my blood pressure through the roof, could she video me doing the form so she could practice at home. Yikes! Suddenly all my anxiety came crashing back upon me. To say I was having a major internal conflict would be an understatement. But I did it anyways. Deep breath, wuxin, focus andddddd go. 

   It felt good, smooth, and hopefully that is the way it came across in the video (I didn't want to watch it). 

   So my lesson for myself is this, just do it, stop talking about, stop thinking about it, just go. It doesn't really matter what others think and see, what matters if what I think and feel. 

   Thank you open training for the free lesson.

I am.... An Athlete

 I am.... An Athlete. 

   Boy, this is one I thought I would never write. I have never considered myself to be athletic let alone an athlete. I had always considered myself to be a spectator or, at best, cannon fodder. From my Asthma to my shyness, I have always had an excuse not to participate. Last one picked for the team, a pylon, a body on the field to meet a minimum number of players, that was me. 

   As I entered my late 20's, something changed. On a whim I decided to start going to Gold's gym. It was embarrassing, I was the 98LB weakling (175 actually), but instead of getting sand kicked in my face it was the unpleasant rain of others' sweat. The guys there were massive, intimidating, and looked down on me like I was there to clean up after them not work out, but something very positive happened from this. 

   Enter a lady name Wolfe (yes Wolfe). She ran the Muay Thai kickboxing classes at the gym. Just by pure chance, I asked her about the class. She immediately took me in and my love for Martial Arts was born. While I will admit that Muay Thai kickboxing was not for me, her passion for fairness and commitment to her craft was infectious. Within 6 months of starting her class I had dropped 6Lbs and was in the best shape of my life (I was 29). I was lean, I was happy, I had energy to spare, I was able to do things I had only dreamed of before. But alas, Golds Gym shut down and Wolfe moved on to some other city, I figured that this was the end of the new me. But wait, there is more.

   Enter the Chinese Boxing Connection. The owners John and his wife (I think Michelle) welcomed me with open arms. They ran me HARD. Their classes took things to a new level, absolute cardio and fighting techniques, no talking, no rest, gogogogogogo. I will admit it was a little to much for me but I stayed with this for about 1-1/2 years then my schedule changed and I was no longer able to attend their classes. I was bummed out. All my gains in fitness quickly started to fade. My 167 became 180 then 195 then 210 then 225. But wait, there is more.

   Enter Silent River Kung Fu. Life changing, again. I won't tell you things you already know about SRKF, cause if you are reading this and you are a student at the school, you know, you understand. This is what I have been looking for my entire life. And this brings me where I am in this blog, I am an athlete. 

   I was sitting with my son-in-law last Sunday. He was talking to me about a guy trying out for a NFL team, the amazing feats this guy could do and how Josh (son-in-law) could never imagine doing things like that. Now Josh is no slouch, he is a former footballer, very fit, lives right, very healthy. Out of the blue, the topic of my Kung Fu came up and Josh proceeds to compare me to this NFLer. WHAT!! He starts talking about the things we do at Kung Fu and how when he is my age (51), he hopes to be in 1/2 the shape I am in. This took me aback. Here is a mid 20's athlete complimenting ME on my fitness, calling me an athlete. I was speechless. I needed time to process this. 

   So now here I am writing a blog about me being an athlete, and thinking to myself that I need to cut this short cause I have a workout to do, hmm, guess I am an athlete (thanks Josh).

Imbalance

    Balance, imbalance, family, work, fun, tedium, positive, negative. How does one (me) balance these? Awhile back, I posted that everything was going great. Body was feeling good, family was going great, work was best it had ever been. Well, I jinxed myself. My body and family are still where they need to be thankfully, but work, ahh work. 

   It is like the god of mischief Loki heard me and decided his services were required. From staff turn overs, to upper management gaffes, to blockades (yes this dramatically affected me directly, as 99% of my stock is shipped by truck over the Ambassador bridge in Detroit), it just went on and on. The last 7 months (approx) have been very trying, and that is an understatement. It amazed me how intolerant most people have become, not just choosing "sides", but daring you to challenge their opinions, and then blaming me for their woes, like it was my fault not theirs. It became a daily, then hourly, then at every turn, struggle to hold my tongue, to not react to the anger and judgement, to try to be neutral, understanding, supportive. It tainted me. I would dread going into work, knowing that today would not be different, that someone would push me till I pushed back, hard. And sadly a few times I have pushed back, being as intolerant and ignorant as the person who was pushing me, and I was very upset with myself after as that is not who I want to be. I am bringing this home with me, wearing it like a blood stained suit of dented armor, unable to take it off. I have been actively looking at my future employment, as my current position is starting to eat away at me, not nibbles but huge bites, every time I set foot in the door.  Not good. No light, all dark.

   Thankfully I have a few very powerful points of light in this darkness. Of course my wife and son, my rocks, my lighthouse, my candle in the window. My dog (Bailey), all she cares about is love, "pet me, feed me, play with me", so simple, so pure. And of course, Kung Fu. Being able to leave it at the door and enjoy getting punched and kicked, slapped around, perfect. Every kick, every punch, every drop of sweat I take and make, rebuilds who I am. Too be able to channel my mind into doing one form over and over, push-ups sit -ups horse stance kicks sparring grappling or to focus on just breathing, pushes back at the dark that tried to envelope me, saying to the dark in me "you shall not pass!!"

   So another day dawns and I shall strive to look for the light, I shall push back against the dark with the light till I find a new balance that I can live with.

Thanks for reading

I am....Educated

    I am Educated. But what does this mean to me? 

   Does education come from a book or school? Yes. Does education come from personal experiences in life and nature? Yes. Does education come from a teacher/mentor/friend sharing their knowledge? Yes. Or does education, for me, come from blending all of the above together, then spending the time and effort to understand what has been taught to me and taking it to the next level by researching and living it till I own the idea. 

   Education, to me, is very personal. While I do value other peoples opinions and ideas, I do not take them as "gospel". To many people feel that their "education" is the do all-end all, "do as I say cause I know more than you" attitude. Yes, I can learn from someone like that, but only for a while, and I will not enjoy it. I will learn what I need and move on.

   Education, also to me, is about personal growth. It never stops. It is infinite, not finite. As soon as I stop learning, I stop growing. So I guess education is like the fertilizer of my mind. If I use the wrong type, I stagnate and die, if I use the right type AND PROPERLY, I grow and flourish. (Boy this took a weird turn). 

   So in closing, while I am educated, I still need to be educating myself, cause if I don't, I will shrink mentally and not grow, and this is a dark road to nowhere.