Black White and Grey Intent

    Intent. Six letters. One word. Infinite possibilities and meaning. I struggle with this pretty much all the time. I sometimes refer to it as the "grrrr" factor. Thursday's  IHC meeting I brought this up with the group that showed up and Master Hayes. There was some great advice that I am defiantly going to try to apply. 

   The example I am currently overthinking is the Triangle Stepping Pattern. I say overthinking because as I attempt to do the technique, certain aspects of the technique give me pause, especially when I ask myself "what is my intent with this move". Am I defending,  attacking, both, neither. 

   I get what we are trying to do, I see the purpose of the technique, I "feel" the progression of the moves, I understand the "end game" of the sequence. I shouldn't question any of this, it is a tried and true technique, it has a purpose, it is an awesome teaching and learning tool, but, my intent falters on the take down, my intent keeps getting in my way of completing the submission. 

   My intent seems to be very situational. I feel I am very peaceful by nature, the people I have kept in my life are there for a reason, they make me who I am and I have spent decades enjoying that warmth. In my youth, my intent in life was defiantly different than it is now, and it did me way more harm than good. I have had the good fortune of being able to learn from that "crap" period of my life and move on to what I consider the pinnacle of good fortune. I am surrounded by love and good fortune. I couldn't ask for more. Which brings me back to my intent.

   In my minds eye ( and I may be wrong but indulge me anyways ), I now see intent in three different lights. White, black and grey. White is where I want to be, positive, happy, caring, healthy, full of goodness, all powerful. Black scares the breath out of me, hate, anger, death, violence, evil, all to be avoided at all costs!. Then there is the Grey area, the "pretend" area of my intent, the "what if" area. This is my struggle area. How do turn the White to the edge of Black so I can still return to White undamaged? How do I use the Grey to prepare to fight the Black and still remain in the White? Sorry if this is getting a little weird, but this is where I am at. 

   I need to find the aggression and assertiveness to complete my technique, fighting myself to prevent not finishing a technique that would leave myself or a loved one in real danger. I'm almost positive that in that "real" situation, my intent would change. If my wife or son was in real danger and it is a choice between them getting hurt or embracing my Black intent, I wouldn't hesitate to go dark, no matter the consequences. But how do I fake that in class. It actually scares me, a lot. That is my struggle.

   Thanks for reading....