Mental Salad

  This is one of those blogs that could go many different directions. So much has happened this week that I could blog about but that would be excessive. Grading, banquet, kids classes, time off, breathing, Chi cultivation, both family and Kung Fu traditions, camaraderie, outside looking in, demo preparation, achievements and disappointments, injuries and healing, the list goes on and on. There is no way I could ever claim I have nothing to blog about. 

   To pick one topic and compose a coherent blog, would be an afront to the other topics. But I do it anyways. I just need a moment to pick from the list.....and the winner is outside looking in... winner winner chicken dinner.

   Be blunt Don. I feel like an outsider 99.99% of the time. And that .01% is fleeting if nothing else. The IHC helped with that. Being allowed to be part of the kid's classes has helped with that. But to get more of what I desire I must give more. Give more time, give more effort, give more compassion, give more room in my soul for others, just give. And that I do not know how to do.

  I am sarcastic, judgmental, a pro at procrastination, a wizard at self loathing, and fearful of myself. I could blame society for making me this way but that is a bag of steaming crap. I make choices that are self-deprecating, I am openly hostile and vindictive at times, so on so on.... And I lose sleep over these black clouds that circle inside me.

    These are all part of me that I constantly working on to eradicate from "ME", perpetually trying to snuff these feeling and character flaws out. Yes they are dark and brooding, but they make the opposing light so so so much sweeter. So I struggle with me. Why? I do because I know how good it feels to succeed, how good it feels to be loved, how good it feels to give a bit of me every chance that presents itself. And Silent River is a huge part of this. 

   So to all of those who read this blog, thank you. To those who don't, I miss you. 

And on the flip side...

Merry Christmas and a happy new year to all. 

Push Ups  13200

Sit Ups  12650

Sparring  800 min

1609KM  1707.74 km

Acts of Kindness  1400 recorded

Hand Form  430

Weapon Form  445

Mastery recited 50