Engage

      I've been thinking about my engagement a lot lately. I'm not just talking about Kung Fu, I'm talking about work, home, family, the whole ball of wax. It has been feeling like I am waiting for something to happen, the other shoe to drop, the curtain of will power to either finish closing or opening, someone to hold my hand and say "this way sir, your life is over here". I don't know.
   I was hoping Saturday's I Ho Chuan meeting would kick start me, but others seemed to be the same way, no one was talking or sharing (except for Sifu Vantuil and Sifu Cosgrove - thanks for sharing bye the way, the crickets were getting pretty loud with no one talking ). It's like a fog of uncertainty has settled upon the land, dulling the senses and restraining the juices of life. I find myself holding back, waiting for what I don't know. It has me concerned.
   I was driving the other day to St Albert with Kody to my mom's place to do some work at her house ( yard work, pour some concrete, etc ) and decided to have a chat with him on this subject to get his feelings. Well as any parent will attest to, a 14 year old teen age boy doesn't tend to share his feelings or thoughts very well. But I think I got my points across to him and it made me feel a little better being able to talk about what is eating at me. I find I am a touch bit envious of his ability to adapt to the new "now", much better than I am adapting to it. Not his fault, but it started a spark in me that I need to fan and grow it into a flame, then a fire, then an inferno.
   With the Kwoon opening up ( mostly ) this coming week, I find myself both anxious and angry at the same time.
   Anxious I get, training at home sucks but was vital to keep us engaged, and now we get the privilege of once again hitting the mats and training at a place that requires all go - no slow. Am I ready for this? I really hope so.
   Which bring me to angry, why am I even questioning if I am ready for this? If I was truly engaged over the part 3ish months of home training, I should be screaming at the top of my lungs " let me in, I want to learn kung fu! ". Instead I find myself feeling sheepish and hesitant, questioning my lethargic approach to my training. I am mad at myself for my procrastination and all my talking about it. No ones fault but my own, as Master Brinker tells us "Own it". He has tried to keep me/us engaged with an effort that can only be described as herculean. Thank you for that Master Brinker and all the other Sifus who, during this time of uncertainty,  have virtual tried to keep us engaged through online classes, one on one meetings, free Tai Chi classes, etc. Thank you all.
  I guess the least I can do is try and return the favor buy getting more.... everything.

See you Monday on the mats!